Ten Life Rules/ Daily Motto

1. Stop worrying, worry kills life.

2. Begin each day with a prayer. It will arm your soul.

3. Control appetite. Over-indulgence clogs body and mind.

4. Accept your limitations...

5. Don't envy. It wastes time and energy.

6. Have faith in people. Cynicism sours the disposition.

7. Find a hobby. It will relax your nerves.

8. Read a book a week to stimulate imagination and broaden your views.

9. Spend some time alone for the peace of solitude and silence.

10. Try to want what you have, instead of spending your strength trying to get what you want.


I will awake everyday knowing, that as soon as my feet touch the ground, that what I make of it, is up to me. I will give- with no intentions of receiving. I will listen when someone just needs to talk. I will smile at a stranger. I will be accepting of challenges. I will accept change. I will love myself and others. I will laugh when I want to cry and smile when I want to frown. I will live each day like no other. This day belongs to me. I will value each day that I am given. I WILL make a difference. I will LIVE my life and ENJOY it.

Happy Birthday, Kodie!!

Happy 4th Birthday to my baby, Kodie! He is such a great dog. People say that dogs are just like their owners and I would have to agree with them. Kodie "talks" a lot just like his Mom and he follows me everywhere. He is very prissy at times, just like me. He can also get down and dirty with the big boys , just like me. He is very active and loves going up to our families cabin in Heber. He has been the most consistent man in my life for the last 4 years. I think he can tell when I am having a bad day cause he snuggles up right next to me and gives me loves. At night when I stay at friends and he is home he stays right by the door waiting for me all night. He is the best thing in my life, even though at times he can get on my nerves (As with all family) I still love him very much.

I love you Kodiak Bear!! And Happy Birthday!!!

It's My Life (*Explict* Just to Warn You)

I felt a sense of uneasiness. I felt a pain in my heart. A wrenching terrifying pain, like nothing I had ever felt in my life. I looked up and smiled, though. Smile, Smile, Smile. I wasn't allowed to do anything else.

They all look up to me. I can't figure it out. I don't have it all. I don't have what they want. They look at me and they see everything but I'm nothing.

Sometimes I just don't get people. They pretend like I have it all and they look at me with envy and with spite. And what for? For jealousy? You have to be fucking kidding me. What is there to be jealous of? My brown hair and my deep green eyes? Eyes full of sorrow? I don't think so.

I am a slave to myself. I can't control my life. I can't control my mind. I can't even control my breathing. I feel like I have to be told to do everything. I've always had someone breathing down my back about what I should be doing. And why? Because I'm their prize; I'm their fucking life.

Well, what happens if I walk away? What would you do then? You'd cry for me, you'd look at me with pity. You'd pretend you card just so that I would live again to suit you. But you don't care. all you want is your money and what ever other types of pleasures it brings you, that you are a part of me. Does it make you feel all warm inside when they mention my name and you can pretend you know something about me? Well, let me tell you something. You don't know a fucking thing about me. I don't even know myself. I don't have the time to learn who I am because I'm constantly trying to be who you what me to be. So how can you pretend to know me, when you won't let me be who I am?

Sometimes I feel like I don't know who I am. I look in the mirror, I can't recognize my own face. I don't know the voice, I hear when I speak. But the words aren't mine anyway. Their preplanned words so I don't slip and say something you don't want me to.

I guess this is who I am now I'm just a face. I don't have a mind, a life, a heart or a soul. I'm just a face for you... I am nothing at all. So why don't you stab that knife a little deeper because I am already dead.

Mistake

I must admit that I have often thought
of leaving it all behind and letting everything go

I was lost and alone, as I always am,
So many people around me,
Yet no one seems to care.

They say they understand and love me very much,
But just when I Trust to love, they forget and move on.

I held the knife so close
as tears, mixed with blood,
Began to fall slowly.
Like a foolish child I cried.

Knowing that I could end it all now
made my mind draw a blank.

I put the knife away and tried to wipe the blood,
that ran faster than I can describe.

I knew suicide wasn't the answer I was looking for.
I knew there was a reason for me being alone.

So many bad things happening at once -
They can make you forget
About the good qualities of life.

Even though life is hard,
and trouble an inevitable part of it.

If you decide to leave it all behind,
maybe you will,
but I can guarantee that others
....Your Mistake will haunt

If These Walls Could Talk!

If these walls could talk
You'd know my body is dead
My mind has been taken over
That is why I'm so scared
I can't control it
Anger is making me blind
I've been left here on my own
Chained to a hate of some kind
If these walls could talk

If these walls could talk
You'd know about my fears
About all those nights I scream for help
About all my fallen tears
You'd know about the demons
Haunting me at night
You'd be able to help me
Keep my fire a light
If these walls could talk

If these walls could talk
They would say that it's all right
God sends his angels
To look over me at night
They'd encourage me
Though I am alone
It doesn't mean I'm on my own
He watches me, from above
And showers me with all his love
If only these walls could talk

Hold Your Head High

I am having a pretty rough week, things are really crazy right now life has been very unpredictable. I haven't been feeling well for the last week or so and I have thrown up everyday almost. I wish this would just go away. I was going through my binder of my poems and quotes that I have found or I've written and I found this, I didn't write it but I really thought it was helpful right now.

Hold You Head High

Standing for what you believe in regardless of the odds against you, and the pressure that tears at your resistance.... is Courage.

Keeping a smile on your face when inside you feel like dying, for the sake of supporting others.... is Strength

Stopping at nothing and doing what's in your heart that you know is right.... is Determination.

Doing more than is expected, to make another's life a little more bearable, without uttering a single complaint... is Compassion.

Helping a friend in need, no matter the time or effort to the best of your ability.... is Loyalty.

Holding you head high and being the best you know you can be when life seems to fall apart at your feet, Facing each difficulty with the confidence that time will bring you a better tomorrow, And never giving up.... is Confidence.

Hold your head high and make your life better every day!!

I know things are difficult right now but I also know things will get better in time. I just need to be happy with what I have at this moment and love my life as it is happening. Instead of hoping for something different or better.

What A Dad Will Do For His Daughter

What a Dad will do for is daughter is rock his sick baby girl

until the sun peeks through the darkness

letting him know the night of worry is over.

He will take her small hand in his and walk slowly as she takes her first

walk to the ice cream shop to share a cone full of heaven on earth.

He will sip from the tiny tea cup she has set in front of him

and in harmony with the stuffed animals carefully placed in their seats

he will sing the praises of her great hospitality.

He will sit through dance recitals and fashion shows

where he is the only audience

and will clap with the enthusiasm of a thousand people.

He will take her fishing and play soccer,

and introduce her to the world outside

as if just experiencing it for the first time himself.

Perhaps he is.

He will sit with her through sweat and tears over homework

that was supposed to be turned in the day before

and he'll smile as they finish, seeing her relief.

He will place a firm hand on the shoulder of the young man that comes

to take her to the school dance

silently letting him know where he stands and what he expects.

He will watch with overflowing pride as his young lady

accepts her high school diploma

and will silently pray to God to calm his fears

and get him throughout the day.

He will be full of conversation and more than happy to listen

when she calls home now and then.

Even when the game of the year is on.

He will gently fold her arm around his

and with all the courage and faith he can hold onto

he will stroll down the aisle,

giving her hand but keeping her youth.

He will be the first one in the maternity ward,

at the nursery window,

carefully inspecting the activities of his new family member.

Another part of her, another part of him.

He will reassure her as time rages on

and the signs of his old age start to frighten her.

He will caress her hand with a passion

to which she has never felt

as he whispers his last wishes to her.

He will come to her heart for all her life

as she sees his manner in herself

or his features in her children.

He will live in the smiles

that grace her face

as she remembers the things he did for her.

LIVE LIFE

Life is crazy,
and totally unpredictable...
It's going to push you over,
kick you while you're down
and hit you when you try to get back up.
Not everything can beat you.
Things are going to change you,
But you get to choose which ones you let change you.
Listen to your heart,
Follow your dreams,
And let no one tell you what you're capable of.
Push the limits,
Bend the rules,
And enjoy every minute of it.
Laugh at everything,
Live for as long as you can.
Love all,
But trust none.
Believe in yourself,
And never lose faith in others
Settle for nothing but only the best,
And give 110% in everything you do.
Take risks,
Live on the edge,
Yet stay safe,
And cherish every moment of it.
Life is a gift,
Appreciate all the rewards,
And jump on every opportunity.
Not everyone's going to love you
But who needs them anyways.
Challenge everything,
And fight for what you believe.
Back down to nothing,
But give in to the little things in life,
After all, that is what makes you.
Forget the unnecessary,
But remember everything,
Bring it with you everywhere you go.
Learn something new,
And appreciate criticism.
Hate nothing,
But dislike what you want.
Never forget where you came from,
And always remember where you are going.
Live Life to its fullest,
And have a reason for everything,
Even if it's totally insane.
Find Your purpose in life,
and Live it!

Battered Women

Battered woman

When you going to learn

He doesn't love you

Your on your own

The beatings hurt

The scars ain't gone

But sooner or later

Your soul will be torn

What's it going to take

For you to just leave

One last hit or until

You can't breathe

Battered woman

I know what your thinking

It's your fault for what he's doing

You blame yourself

Over and over again

You ask yourself

Will this abuse ever end

He's going to keep doing it

It's all up to you

You just have to gain the courage

To move on and start new

It's not going to be easy

Take it one day at a time

The hurt will subside and you'll finally have

A PIECE of MIND

Growing Up

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder ever time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

If having things turn out the way you wanted them to, is the measure of a successful life then some would say I'm a failure. The important this is not to be bitter over life's disappointments. Learn to let go of the past and recognize that everyday won't be sunny. And when you find yourself lost in the darkness of despair, remember it's only in the black of night that you can see the stars and those stars will lead you back home. So don't be afraid to make mistakes, to stumble and fall. Because most of the time the greatest rewards come from doing the things that scare you the most maybe you'll get everything you wished for, maybe you'll get more then you could've ever imagined. Who knows where life will take you. The road is long and in the end, the JOURNEY is the DESTINATION.

Warped and Twisted

Harsh words and violent blows

Hidden secrets nobody knows

Eyes are open, hands are fisted

Deep inside I'm warped and twisted

So many tricks and so many lies

Too many whens and too many whys

Nobody's special, Nobody's gifted

I'm just me warped and twisted

Sleeping awake and choking on a dream

Listening loudly to a silent scream

Call my mind, the number's unlisted

Lost in someone so warped and twisted

On my knees, alive but dead

Look at the invisible blood I've bled

I'm not gone, my mind had drifted

Don't expect much, I'm warped and twisted

Burnt out, wasted, empty and hollow

Today's just yesterday's tomorrow

The sud died out, the ashes sifted

I'm still here, warped and twisted

Recent Life

I have had a lot of time to myself this last week and I have been doing a lot of writing. So many things are going on and I have needed this time to myself, to work on me. I know that sounds a bit strange. I was dating a man last year who didn't treat me right at all. He always torn me down and found a way to make me feel like no one else would ever want me. Then he told me he had a new girlfriend and it was someone who I considered one of my best friends. I work with both of them and have to see them together everyday, which did hurt. I have now decided I never want to feel like that ever again. I never want to be treated like I don't matter by a guy. I am a great person I don't care what anyone else says. If a guy doesn't want to be with me or someone doesn't want to be my friend then that is their problem. I cannot make everyone else happy, I have to make Nicole happy. It is really my choice to be happy or unhappy, so why don't I choose to be happy. I have been looking for happiness in all the wrong places in the past.

Recently things were looking up I met a man who made me feel like I was so special and he made me so happy. I went into this funk at the end of May and I started doubting myself again. I told him I just wanted to be friends and now he says that we could never go back to the way things were before. I thought I wanted things to go back to the way there once were. But I can't go back things are now different. He saw me at my worst. And I don't think he will ever think of me as the same person. I am not the same person. I don't want to be that girl anymore. He also said he didn't want to have a relationship right now. He is an amazing man who I think any girl would be lucky enough to be with. And if he doesn't want a relationship right now I need to respect that because in all reality I don't want a relationship right now. But for him to say we could never have a relationship in the future to me seems selfish, I was hurting and I was wanting to hurt myself. I still hadn't dealt with the past, for me to move on to the present and the future. I told him I had feelings for him but maybe he just doesn't feel the same way. Like the saying goes "If you love someone let them go. If they come back, they are yours forever. If they don't, they were never really yours to begin with" I am letting him go. I want him to know that I can't live on what could have been. Because we are in two different places in our lives and the timing is bad. Thank you for what you did for me and thank you for the time we shared.

-"Love is not only about knowing you love and care about a person so much that you know you'd be willing to do anything for them, but it's also about knowing how and being able to let go. And by doing so, allowing that person to be happy even if it's not with you and accepting the fact that to them, you're just not the one"

I want to start doing things that are more active and healthy. My mom gave me a challenge to lose weight and she will buy me $200 of new clothes when I lose the weight. I am going to say it right now I am 245 pounds and I don't want to be that heavy. I decided I am going to go on a diet and loose 70 lbs. I know it will be hard but I can do it.

Well that is all I have to say right now. I will post more stuff. Love you guys and take care.

Betrayal

An echo fades into the night

An eerie mournful sound

A shooting star disappears from sight

And I crumble to the ground

There is no life within this garden;

My sobs are the only sound

I have poisoned the honeyed fountain

Where your love could be found

Dazed, I stare at the stars above

My grieving howl fills the night!

Unintended betrayal of love

Has hidden you from my sight

I remember how it used to be

When we shared our fears and delights

You are a treasured friend to me

How can I make things right?

Feeling afraid, cold and lonely,

I long to tell you how I feel,

But you don't want to hear me

The pain for you is much too real

Should I back away and build a wall

And block away how I feel?

Or Should I give you a call?

We both need some time to heal

An echo fades into the night

As our friendship disappears

How do I know what is right?

How can I ease my fears?

If I do call you again

Would the old wounds reappear?

I can't stand to cause you pain

Hurting you again is my worst fear!

Somewhere

Somewhere between...

I forgot...

Somewhere between the procrastination...

and the homework...

and the incessant forwards...

and the friendships...

and the call to each other complaining about crushes!!...

Somewhere b e t w e e n the phone calls to old friends...

And the "I miss you's", and the "I love you's"...

And the "What are we doing tonight's"...

And somewhere b e t w e e n all of the changing, growing...

Somewhere b e t w e e n the classes...

And the skipping classes...

And the studying for tests...

And the pretending to study for tests...

And the downright NOT studying for tests...

I forgot...

I forgot what life is all about...

I forgot what it meant to cry...

I forgot that pretending to be happy doesn't make you happy...

And that pretending to be smart doesn't make you smart...

I forgot that you can't just forget the past in fear of the future...

I forgot that you can't control falling in love...

And that you can't make yourself fall in love...

I learned that I can love...

I learned that it's okay to mess up...

And it's okay to ask for help...

And it's okay to feel like crap...

I learned it's okay to complain and whine to all your friends for a whole day...

I learned that sometimes the things you want most you just can't have...

I learned that the greatest thing about life isn't the parties or the DRiNKiNG or the hook-ups...

It's the friendships, which means taking chances...

I learned that sometimes the things we want to forget are the things which we most need to talk about...

I learned that letters from friends are the most important things...

And the sending cards to your friends makes you feel better...

But, basically, I just learned that my friends...

Bold old and new...

Are the most important people to me in the world...

AND....

Without them, I wouldn't be who I am today...

So this is a thank you to all of my friends...

For always being there...

And even if were not on good terms or we have lost touch...

I still care for you...

~Always and forever love all you guys!~

The Wishing Star

"Stars are made for wishing on"

My very best friend told me

So I gazed upon the dark night's sky

And I picked the brightest star I could see

I named my star Leslie

A very special name

Now that this star had a title

She was all mine to claim

I thought about what I wanted

Something I could wish for

But as I thought about my wish I realized

Into this process should go much more

Leslie should know my thoughts

Behind each and every wish

So before I made my wish that night

I told to Leslie this

I could wish for money

Because I feel my family is poor

However to be rich, money is not a necessity

A person needs so very much more

I could wish for that special boy to like me

And say those three little words

But love is a much more sacred link

That comes on a path with thousands of curves

I could wish to be famous

To be someone other than myself

But self worth is measured by much more than

Having the most trophies on your shelf

Instead I wish to be rich in spirit

Sound in soul and mind

I wish that when I see the pot at the end of the rainbow

Character is what I will find

Instead I wish for understanding

And courage in matters of love

I pray I'll meet the someone special

And through tough times we will rise above

Most of all I wish for the ability to know and like

Who I am and what I have become to be

And I ask that you help me realize

That I am special even if that's not what I always see

I thanked Leslie for listening to

My wishes and my dreams

And there she is shinning bright

No matter how dark it seems

Leslie listens to all I say

Even though she lives in a world so far

But no matter where either of us end up living

She will always be my wishing star

What It Is You Do To Me

(I wrote this about this guy that I was seeing recently but I messed things up and now he doesn't want anything to do with me and said we could never be together ever. I just need to work on Nicole and if he doesn't see that then I guess I will just have to move on even if its hard and it hurts.)

There you sit

Smiling

And it's you I watch

Wanting

But you don't even know

What it is you do to me

So I keep on watching

And wanting

As I bleed

Every time I look at you

Every time I talk to you

Every time I smell you

My heart continues

Melting

And I am forever

Dreaming

Whenever you pass me by

Where you catch my eye

I feel like I want to cry

Because of what it is you do to me

Your eyes

Gleaming

And your lips

Pleading

And your hands

Exploring

While my heart remains

Bleeding

Every time you look at me

I wonder what it is you see

Every time you talk to me

And I hear that beautiful voice

My knees get weak

My stomach flutters

My chest collapses

My neck hairs tingle

And I stop breathing

Just in that moment in time

When you do what it is you do to me

As I sit here

Yearning

I imagine you

Sleeping

And I want to hold you endlessly

Forever in my arms for eternity

I'll continue

Dreaming

As long as you are

Living

Breathing

Being

Death Not Being The Way

She held the knife so close to her heart
Like a foolish child she sat and she cried
Didn't realize what she had don't what she had tried
Tears mixed with Blood, falling slowly to the ground
Covered in blood, pulled herself up, in the tears scribed.

"To those who don't care, to those who can't see
Never give up always thrive to be free"
Didn't know how many people would later cry
"Tried to be free, yet I see this isn't the way"

I was at the door, ran as fast as I could
Too weak to say she's sorry, otherwise she would
In tears, looked at this blue sad day
When you come and see this pool of blood and her
This isn't the way her life was meant to be

Listen

Thank you for always being there

To listen and understand me

I appreciate all you did for me

And all you still do

Thank you for making me feel whole again

For putting my pieces back together

I appreciate you putting my life back together

You save my life

You may not understand

Why I do what I do

But you never criticized

You just helped me through

I knew I could come to you

When I was down

Cause I knew you'd always be there

To pick me back up

And say everything will be okay

Encircled with Life

I was talking with a friend and she said that she would read my blog if I started one. I want to put all of my writings that I have on here. I love to write and I also want to write down my feelings. I have had some hard times in my life in the last two years and I want to change that. I want people to start to know who I really am. I choose "ENCIRCLE WITH LIFE" because one of the things I cherish in my life it the summer I had up at Brighton Girls Camp. Our theme for the summer was "Encircled with Love" but I wanted this to be about my life. I am going to post things that I have written and things that I have found that I have loved. Quotes, Poems, Stories, but things that I think will help me through the pathways of life. I know that I have chosen a path that people might not agree with but I am going to stand by my beliefs and my decisions. I hope people will read this and it will help them in their own lives.

The Greatest Gift

The greatest gift

In the end

Was a family

And a family

An ear to lend

A hand to hold

And you

My friend-

Your heart of gold