Weight Does Not Dictate....

Weight does not dictate your health or your worth. For years I thought that my weight dictated everything about me. I thought that I would not be able to go a lot of things because I was over weight. I was told a few times that I would never be able to get a boyfriend because I was so fat. Well because I was told that I thought it was true. I did not have my first kiss until I was in my 19 and I didn't really even date until I was about 21. All this time I thought I had to be thin and skinny, I used to hate my body so much I took extreme measures to try to change it. I used to cry for hours over the fact that I would never be thin. I was teased and tormented and hurt just for being who I am.  No one should be told they are fat or couldn't hurt to lose a few pounds. I know that there are times when weight does hurt you and is medically unsafe. But I have never been there. I should not have been told my weight would dictate me getting married and being happy.

I have been with Tom for over 2 years now. He has never told me I am overweight, he has never judged or hurt my feelings. When I am changing my clothes he tells me how sexy I am and how much he loves me. When I look in the mirror I don't see what he sees most of the time. I see every roll, crease, crevice, bone, part, wrinkle or dimple as a so-called “imperfection”. I used to look into the mirror and hate the person staring back. I used to HATE myself so much I was starving myself or so upset that I would overeat and make myself sick. None of these every helped my situation. Now I have stretch marks which I used to hate and thought they were a sign of being fat. I have a lot more now than I had when Tom and I starting dating because I had our son. I look at all these stretch marks and think how can I make them go away. But I should be celebrating them, they are there because I grew another human being inside me, I grew the little boy who's smile steals my heart everyday.

I have trying to get some exercise in to train for my half marathon, but I have been sick lately and not getting everything in that I would like but that is ok. I am so obsesed with losing weight that I am going to make my body suffer more.  I am over weight 60 pounds according to the chart at the doctors office. I am working the losing weight and maybe I will lose 60 pounds but maybe I won't and that is fine with me.

Being an overweight women never has prevented me from doing anything. I prevented myself from doing things. I would tell myself I can't do this or that because I was overweight and thought people would judge me and think that I am fat and wasn't pretty enough. I prevented myself from being happy in the past because I thought that no one would want to be with someone like me and I would never let anyone in. In fact I pushed away quite a few male prospects because I thought they would not want to be with me. But I am glad things worked out they way they did because without these struggles and hard times I would not be the person I am today. I would probably not be with my husband and have my son.

I have stopped letting the chatter in my head about what it means to be beautiful dictate my life. Every day is not easy. Sometimes I wake up and wish I looked like someone else. But mostly, I’m grateful and proud of what I have. I make it a goal to treat myself and others with loving kindness, because it is not my business what size anyone is. It’s not even my business what size I AM.

I hate this idea that people will love you in spite of something. Or find you attractive because they’re “looking past” something. What’s wrong with someone who thinks I’m sexy as hell? Not just someone who is looking past my hideousness for the sake of my shining personality. Tom thinks I am sexy as hell and I hope nobody thinks that he settled for less.

Stop worrying, worry kills life.

I posted a while ago my ten rules for life. While trying to lose weight I have been looking for inspiration. I am going to go down the list of the "rules".

1. Stop worrying, worry kills life.

I worry about everything and because of that I am constantly stressed out and overloaded. My husband worries about me because I am worried. Do you see this cycle? It does kill life. I have been in constant struggle over my weight. But I have been trying not to worry about losing. I have just been taking care of myself, eating as best I can, and making sure that I exercise. I know that there is so much more in life than having to worry about losing weight. If I do what I am supposed to do then it should just work right? Well not exactly but I don't want to get so caught up in it. I have a son and husband  who need me and a full time job. I can't devote all my time to working out which is fine. That is why I have been using my lunch hour at work to get a workout in. Hopefully that will help and eventually I hope I will be able to devote a little more time to this cause.

Week 2:
I dress I haven't worn in months.

Foster the funny!

<p>I love to find funny things like this photo that was sent to me. It is kind of immature but whatever. I want to make sure that I am taking time to find the joys of life. Taking the time to spend time with Jackson making him giggle. That is the best joy I have in my life, playing with my son and husband. They give me more smiles and more happiness then I ever thought possible.

Good bye Kodie!

I haven't posted on this subject because if I did then it would be real.

On August 10th my "first" baby died. He was there for me through thick and thin. He was my companion and the one I counted on.

Good bye Kodie! I love you more than you know. And if love could have saved you, you would have lived forever!!

June 2006 to August 2012.

Drop 13 - Big Cottonwood Half Marathon

I decided to make a few changes in my life. I need to be healthier and lose weight. I thought about something I thought I could never do. I thought I could never do a half marathon, well the truth is I thought I would never be able to do a 5k. I have been looking into a "healthy weight", those say I need to lose like 65 pounds. I know that if I lost that much that I would be way too thin.

Goals over the next 8 months:

-Start running about 10 to 15 miles per week increasing by 3-5 miles every week.
-First Goal Weight Loss: 35 pounds
-Eat healthier. (Not necessarily cut out everything bad buy reduce what I currently have).

I want to have another baby and I want to be healthier the next time around. I know that my husband loves me for who I am and he always tells me how much he loves me just the way I am. But I want to do this for me.

I saw a story recently on people.com about a woman who lost 160 pounds and documented the changes in photos on her iphone. I don't think anyone reads my blog so I thought I would post a post each week of myself just documenting my journey to reach these goals. The series of photos are in changing rooms as she tried on new clothes. I don't get to go to the store very often because I have a son and a husband but I will try.

Week One: