Life: what you want, have, should have and dream for.

Over the last few days I have thought a lot about the things that are wanted in life, the things you should have in life and things that I have in my life that are far better than I could ever dreamed. I hope this makes sense because I just need to write and express my emotions.


First things first I want what, I think, everybody wants like a nice affordable home, a husband (Boyfriend, Fiance, Girlfriend, wife, etc), money in savings for the "what ifs" in life and honest, smart, behaved children. Personally I would also like to return to school and get a degree that will help in my life through the "corporate" world. I work at UHEAA, I service student loans, now I am so skeptical about even returning to school. Why go back? To get a mountain of debt and don't even end up using the degree I received? I have come to think that everything you want in life you won't ever get. That is no way to think about life, that it is one big disappointment. I think that everybody should have a wonderful support system in their lives, in what ever form that my be in. Like I have an amazing family and some fantastic friends, that are always willing to help me when I truly need it and am too afraid to ask. You need someone on your "team" someone telling you that you are worth it and you can do whatever your want. The times you're really doubting yourself is when you call those people and know that whatever you need they will be there doing what they can. You should have financial stability, everyone should have the money they need to pay their bills, feed their family, live in a comfortable home, and be able to get your children the things they need. I underline need because every kid has those things they want but don't necessarily the things they need. I know that I wanted some things that I can see now that were beyond our families mean but my parents did what the could to make sure we are happy. That is what is important happy, healthy, kind, considerate kids. But lets be realistic  how many of us when we were children we 100% respectful, healthy, thankful, loving kids? I know that I wasn't, I wanted things my way and only my way. The things that I have are far better than anything I could have asked for. I have a man in my life who treats me better than I thought I deserved to be treated. I think that isn't how any one should ever think about themselves, you should be respected and treated like a Queen or King. I have a son who smiles at me so much. The moment I held him in my arms I was consumed by this everlasting love. I love him so much I never want anything to ever happen to him. I am his mom I want to protect him, give him everything he need and wants. After becoming a parent, I know why parents do everything they can to give their child the best and everything they need. I would do anything  to make sure Jackson has the world at his fingertips but letting him have in they way I think is best. Even though I know he is going to want the exact opposite of what I think is best for him. I think I pretty much did whatever my parents didn't want me to do. But that is what you do while growing up, continually learning. Even if you learned something by making a mistake, everyone makes mistakes. If someone hasn't please let me know, you need to be studied. 


If you got everything you ever wanted, you would be unhappy. If you think you don't get anything, you are probably unhappy.  If you get most of what you want, you are probably be unhappy too. I have to be HAPPY, I need to be happy. I looked at my life and for 88% of the time I am so happy and love everything I have been given and love everyone who has touched my life. But that 12% that seems so big at the time that you think nothing will every work out again and your life is doomed. It sometimes consumes you, but looking at the big picture where I want to be in 5, 10, 15, 20 years. It really doesn't matter the pointless drama that is going on. All that matters is you support you family and love them. You provide the best your can that is within your means for 1st yourself and your family. You can never forget about yourself because if your don't take care of you, no one else will. And if you don't care about your family, no one else will. I want to take care of myself and do what is right for me. I sometimes think about everyone else and make sure everyone else is happy. Most of the time I need to step back and make sure I doing what is best for me. How will this benefit me but also making sure no one was hurt by my decision. Your family is about even with yourself, I they are what you go to work for or stay at home for. I would love to be a stay at home mom, but I would only do it, if my family was able to be financially secure with one income and able to pay all the bills each month on time. I can't put that all on Tom to bring home the bread, but those wives who can, I fully respect. You stay at home with 1 or more children, some of them close in age, who fight, bicker, bite, pinch, yell, cry and get on your last nerve. But you love more than anything else in this world. I love my son but I need sometime during the day that I doing something else but changing a diaper, wiping a runny nose and not getting any sleep. There are some days where you are just done you can't take one more cry, one more complaint, none of these can just come from you kids. Everyone around me has come complaint about something that they think is valid. And sometimes your complaint is valid but most of the time are complaining just to be heard but what you should be doing is praising what happened that day to make you better and help your future. I am at work for 9 hours a day, 40 hours per week. I hear person after person complain that they are paying too much for their student loans. Well if you would have planned better and made sure that was the best thing to do. I can say "what ifs" all day but sometimes you just don't think about those "what ifs" I know I don't most of the time. Most of the time you live in the moment and that is how life should be lived in a moment of pure happiness or to have a goal to reach that happiness you do what you think is best but it doesn't always work out but don't crowd yourself with doubt. Be happy and live your life that way that best fits your needs but isn't too over the top. Live you life for you. 

Losing Weight for the Wedding

I am in the process of trying to lose some weight for my upcoming wedding. When we first decided we were getting married in June it was sometime in November and I thought I would have a bunch of time to lose weight and look great for the wedding. It is now April 10th and we are getting married on June 30th, that leaves me roughly 80 some odd days to lose about 40 more pounds. I have already lost about 26 pounds. Which is great I feel better and I know that even if I don't lose everything I will still fit into my wedding dress. 

We are also starting Jackson in swimming lessons on April 14th, I can't wait to see how he likes the water. I just got a new swimming suit for myself. I hope I don't scare anyone.

My Baby Boy and Me

My Baby Boy and Me

 

It's 3 a.m., they're all asleep,

and no-one's here to see.

As we rock slowly back and forth,

My baby boy and me.

 

His little hand is feather light

Tucked up against my chin.

I hold his tiny hand in mine,

and stroke his baby skin.

 

The house about us creaks and groans,

The clock hands creep around.

He snuggles closer to me still,

And makes his baby sounds.

 

I love these quiet hours so much,

And cherish every one.

Store memories up inside my heart

For lonely nights to come.

 

All too soon he'll be grown up,

His need for mama gone.

But until then I still have time

For kisses and for song.

 

Time for quiet hours like this

With him cuddled in my arms,

Where I wish he'd always stay

Protected, safe and warm.

 

And yet I know the day will come

When his tiny little hand,

will be bigger than my own.

He'll grow to be a man.

 

But until then he's mine to love

With no one here to see.

As we rock slowly back and forth,

My baby boy and me.

Wedding Planning

 So much planning goes into planning a wedding. I remember watching my sister in laws and my mother planning my brother's weddings. But I don't think I remember the fine details (which all I had to do was pretty much show up) being so stressful. We have a limited budget and I have found some great deals on a lot of things. But sometimes I wish I had a little bit more money to spend on things that I REALLY want, instead of just the basic things and borrowing as much I can. I have some wonderful people in my life who are helping me planning and make sure I get what I want instead of what I think I should settle for because of money. Thank you to Bettigeane (Tom's kind of stepmom), she is making my invitations, which, I know are going to be beautiful. Thank you to Judy (Bettigeane's mom), she is making all the flower things, bouquets, corsages, centerpieces, etc. Thank you to my Aunt Rosemary who let us borrow a bunch of table cloths which save a lot of money. Thank you to Selkie (A friend from Brighton), she let me borrow her wedding dress, I hope she knows how grateful I am. I love it!!! I want to send a huge Thank you to my mom who has made sure I am happy with everything we are putting together and make sure everything is getting done. And last but for sure not least, thank you to Tom for putting up with my non stop talk about wedding colors, clothing, invitations, location, what to wear for engagements. I know he is the one for me. He makes sure I know that I am loved, beautiful and that I am happy. He is a wonderful father to Jackson. 


Can't wait to have everything put together to see the end result. I can't wait for June 30, 2012 it is going to be the best day, nothing can change that.